It has been a difficult couple of years. I write this on the day after Christmas of 2014 and as the holiday festivities wind down, and I think about the items on my to-do list for the next week before we resume our regularly scheduled activities... I am reflecting on the year that lie behind me and the opportunities that lie before me.
We live in a different house, a different neighborhood. It was a transition but it was along overdue transition that I knew my family needed. After my husband's health episode, we were caught in what seemed like a perpetual tornado. Things weren't always so loving and sweet, despite our gratitude for survival. Our relationship bore the strain of financial stress and a plethora of other worries.
It was a difficult year, but I am reflecting on it and and see that it was all very necessary; the alterations, the stress, the fighting, the refining, the separating, the anger, the hurt etc... all of it was necessary to move through in order to truly grow. I know it was for my entire family but I don't know if they see it as clearly as I do. It's not important though. What's important is that I see it, and I do.
As winter became Spring last year it seemed like all that died in winter was disintegrating. It was frightening and difficult for us all, but I'll focus on how it was for me because I can only describe it through my own lens.
Winter brought the metaphoric death to many monumental areas of my life. Catastrophic changes were underway and it was indeed a very real "death" in many ways. I began the year by packing and sorting. In a literal way, I was sorting and packing because were were moving. We were moving to alleviate financial stress, change our lifestyle and move forward. (so much more so than I realized at the time, although I felt it, I didn't realize the impact it would have)
In a less literal, but more profound sense I was 'packing and sorting' all areas of my life. I was preparing to leave, let go of, separate from, and throw away both tangible and more importantly intangible aspects of my life. It was an emotional process. It was a thorough cleansing. And some things were very difficult to let go.
When the physical transfer from one domicile to another was complete, there were still straggling aspects that I could not take with me as I evolved but I clung to nonetheless. You get used to things. I get used to things; even things that aren't healthy. Sometimes we accommodate unhealthy habits and aspects of our lives because of consequential circumstances and we convince ourselves that these are okay. I went as far as convincing myself that some relationships were even good, when in fact the nutritional value was nothing more than high-fructose filler. When the physical transition took place, it was time to remove the artificial sweeter and detox. So like any other addiction, I resisted at first.
But eventually I let winter kill off all that needed to die. Like any death I experienced the stages: denial, bargaining, anger and eventual acceptance. I experienced this in many ways, on many levels and with several areas of my life. Things, people, circumstances, relationships, items etc. It made life difficult for us as a family and for me personally. Alas as Spring began it brought with it new "life". A new home. New adventures and new friends. And in the beautiful and divine nature of what Spring is, re-birth of relationships and friendships that had not in fact been dead - just in hibernation.
New opportunities were laid before me that helped me grow tremendously as a woman, a human being and as a soul. I found strength. I found clarity. I felt liberated when all the dead limbs were removed - making room for beautiful new buds to appear.
There were days that - in a literal sense our pantry was empty and we were filled with anxiety and stress and fear. Winter was desolate, dry, it kept taking and dying. In a metaphoric sense, my 'pantry' was getting more and more empty. Metaphorically, aspects kept dying and I was feeling more and more empty, afraid, angry.
Then the Spring came. Physically, we began to fill our pantry, our fridge, our house, our home, our lives... my pocketbook was getting more full thanks to the blessed opportunites presented before me and more importantly my soul began to be filled.
Summer shone glimpses of great hope and personal advancements. Fall swept away the last bits of dead limbs and winter has come again but this time I do not feel death. I sense rest, warmth, love, true, valuable friendships and bonding.
This entire blog is about my own spiritual journey. I experience life, I observe, I ponder and lament; then I use written language to explore the metaphorical and proverbial correlation between the experience and the written scriptural texts. I'm going to use the cup metaphor on this one. A cup is a vessel to hold a fluid. A fluid is an experience. It is consumable. It is tasted and imbibed. It is utilized. It can intoxicate or it can nourish. It can be sour or sweet. It can be thin like water or thick like honey. It can be gulped at once or sipped slowly.
We are the vessel. Experience is the fluid.
A cup cannot be refilled when it is full. First, some must be taken, swallowed, by sip or gulp, before it can be refilled.
I believe I've been through a series of sips and gulps in order to drain my cup. A sweet, thick and intoxicating brew brimmed, sickened me, blurred my vision and altered my bearings. Finally, the drain came... and I was empty, dry, parched.
It is good, it is right. I am beginning to feel the beautiful sensation of something new dancing along the walls of the vessel that is me - and I'm excited for it. I am allowing the sweet, healthy bounty of what once did run through this chalice of me and I welcome it.
I am changed. I am altered. I am well rooted.
With family in hand, health, progress, and most importantly freedom - I sow great seeds in winters ground with excited anticipation for a new Spring.
Life is a journey.
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