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I'm a self-described spiritual flake. I admit that there have been countless times of serious doubt throughout my life as to the existence of God, and even if so, in what capacity and how God exists. What is God? Who is God and what is the difference between the religions? Is there a difference? Are they all just different paths to the same salvation? And just what really is salvation anyway?
Do we make this stuff up to make ourselves feel better about the unknown? Do (and have) the political powers-that-be make it up to control us by attempting to define fate or life after death? For that matter, what is death? Is it an end? Is it a beginning? Is it just a change of energy? We can't know. I accept that. But why is that so difficult to accept, that we just can't know?
Its natural to fear change and the potential finality of death - but does that fear alone drive religion or is there more to it? Do we instinctively sense that divinity... that something... and because we cannot define it by the limitations of our physical brain and five senses, do we compartmentalize it? Do we give it a tangible shape and definition, call it God and create religions around our own personal revelations and experiences? Certainly that would account for the variance; politics would account for the details.
So then, is there even a god? Or did we manifest this idea?
Is the Bible literal? Or is it a well written message, by a conglomerate of intuitive folks, trying to tell us something, and using metaphor and language that anyone can understand... but somehow we miss it because we try to take it too literally? Is that blasphemy? If so, against whom, those who wrote the scripture or those who chose the cannon, or the ironically tyrannical King James who decided what it should say?
What is blasphemy anyway?
These are the questions. They were my questions and they are the questions of many others, but the most basic one is where is God? Where IS God?
Well I found God and now I will tell you how, and in telling you, you will realize that I actually did not and was never supposed to after all, and that realization in and of itself was the true divine finding.
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We all experience challenges. We all experience tragedy, loss, pain. I'm no different there. In fact I'm no different all together so that is not what makes my message unique. What is unique is my compulsion to explain it - and perhaps that is because I also possess this gift to express ideas and communicate clearly. A calling? My purpose? Perhaps, but now I understand that it's more than that. It is deeper, more meaningful and has everything to do with you who are reading/listening and receiving the message. For me it was about the understanding, not the telling (although the telling was part of the understanding). For you it is not about sharing in my experience, but allowing this part of me to be part of yours.
I've had many challenges in life, many losses, many tragedies. The one that befall my life in Fall of 13 was unique. Not because it was more or less painful or difficult, but because of what I found in the rubble. I found what was there all along. God.
It was in the following weeks that I realized I had glimpsed God at many different times throughout my life in good times and not so good times. And the most important lesson was that there is no such thing as good or bad times. These are just times. Things are what they are, period. Joy and pain is simply our interpretive reaction to outside situations. It's okay, necessary and healthy, but it is what it is, and so is God.
Here are glimpses of God that have occurred throughout my life:
Dream Man
I have reoccurring dreams of the same person since I am a child. It is a male figure and he ages with me. When I was a child, so was he, teen, twenties and so on. I dream of him often and usually don't figure out who he is during the dream, then when I do I wake up. It is such a deeply moving experience each time that for me, that is God... not the man in the dream but the dream itself.
Mary
When I was eleven years old my mother lost a child. She died during her birth. My parents named her Mary. I saw my mother crumble to absolute pieces and wondered at the time, how she would possibly get through that. She did. It wasn't with God's help, or intervention, it was actually God. The strength and power and tenacity that she found - that was God.
Tiny Babies
When I had my first child, she was in the NICU for a few days due to minor concerns. Many other babies there were so fragile and tiny. Some were the size of my hand, born at 24 weeks, and yet they were alive, breathing, living teeny tiny humans with enormous will for life. That life is God.
Message Woman
During an extremely painful time in my life, a woman came into the store where I worked, asked the sales person for the manager (who was me) and waited for me to come out of the back room. When I appeared she said she needed to speak with me. I never saw this woman before. She'd never been in that store before. She asked my name. I told her. She said "I don't know what this means, or why I need to say this to you, but I'm overwhelmed with it. I have to tell you to, 'Explain it to him'." It meant nothing to her, but everything to me and I broke out into tears at the direct impact of this statement from a complete stranger. That was God. Not that God sent her, but the experience itself - is God.
Pregnancy
At twenty eight years old it started to become likely that I may not be able to conceive children due to years of reproductive complications and recurring disease. Doctors were beginning to express concerns and I was on the brink of having to accept that. The crusher was a segment of cancerous cells found on my cervix. The news fell upon me like a noose around my neck. I felt deeply and entirely that my role in this life was centered around motherhood. I couldn't bear or understand the concept that I may not become a mother. I fell into a deep and desperate depression. I abused substances. I contemplated running away from my job, my lover, my life, my family.
As I approached the event horizon, the point of no return, I came home from work one day, realizing I was "late" and learned that I was pregnant. That was God. God did not make me pregnant. The experience of a healthy life growing inside of me, against the limitations of medical odds and in the most unconventional (and certainly un-traditional) of circumstances, while I was on the very edge of my own sanity - that was God.
Cure
Later in my life, the previously found complications and cancer was gone. There was no sudden, inexplicable miracle. However, through a series of events and circumstances I was presented with information and education that enabled me to take accountability, learn why my physical body was in the state it was, and make necessary changes that would encourage better health. I was healed, by no medical means and am the mother of three healthy children. It wasn't that God appeared and suddenly healed me - it was the carefully laid out path for me to choose to follow that lead to the changes necessary for health - that perfectly placed set of circumstances - that is God. Not that God places it, no... it in and of itself IS God.
Dad's Transfer
My father died an ugly death. He had been increasingly sick for many years progressing over the last few months. He lost consciousness in June of 2005 and was ventilated. He remained that way for the next few weeks while his organs continued to fail and his brain swelled. Unable to functionally make the decision, I was placed in a position to give permission for the doctors to remove him from life-support. Painfully, I did so. I held my mother and watched my father gasp for breaths and cling to his last hours of life. It was ugly. It smelled bad. It sounded horrifying. I did it. Not by the power or strength of God but more than that, deeper than that, more powerful than that - the very fact that I was able to endure it was God.
These and many other glimpses have occurred in the all the days of my life and I suppose I noticed but not in the revealing and stunning way that I do now.
And then...
Heart Stopped The Fall of Finding God
In the weeks prior to this life-altering event, things were bad. I asked "how can this get worse?" Then it got worse.
On October 10th, 2013 my husband complained of chest pain. We arrived at an urgent care center where an ambulance was summoned and we were told that he was having a significant heart attack. He was medicated and admitted to the hospital for over night observation. During the night, he experienced more significant pain. A blood test reveled another, more significant event. He was transferred to ICU. While he was being situated, tested and hooked up to monitors, I was asked to wait in the waiting room. There many quick moving hours after his initial complaint of pain, during which I kept my head about me and fought back any display of emotion and maintained the composure I knew was necessary. When I found myself in the empty waiting room at 3:00am on that night I realized I was alone. I allowed a single tear to flow and then the flood gates opened and I began to bawl and sob. I heard a voice through my tears and looked up to find a young nurse holding tissues, sitting beside me. She held me and let me find comfort. That was God. Not that God sent her, but her genuine love and offering of comfort was God. God was in the nouns, not the verb.
The next day I sat in a waiting room when a doctor who had administered a test appeared to inform me that my husband's situation was imminently life threatening and would need quadruple bypass surgery. Once again, I fell apart. I had flashbacks of my father and the horror of that experience. We were broke, I had no idea how I would possibly handle what was happening. I said I couldn't do this. I did. That was God.
Minutes later I mustered the energy and clarity to smile calmly and talk to my husband clearly when I saw him, to discuss our situation. God was the composure and clarity I needed.
Waiting in ICU one evening to visit. I was weary, weak. Struggling internally. Angry with God, questioning existence. A woman approached me. She had seen me cry the previous day and offered me assurance, friendship and comfort. That friendship and assurance was God.
My husband didn't want surgery. I managed to communicate and almost literally translate between the fear of my husband and the arrogance of the doctor. I held it together. That was God.
During his surgery, I received a phone call. The nurse called with an update to keep me informed. She said "We've stopped your husband's heart. Bypass is now circulating his blood. We will call you again when he is off bypass to inform you." My own heart stopped for what seemed like the longest moment of my life. Somehow, I thanked her, placed the phone back and went to a private place where I could cry. And I did. I did not know how I would get through that. I did get through it. That was God. Not that God got me through it, but the very fact that I did get through was God.
My husband is a stubborn man with strongly held philosophical ideologies that often conflict with medical intervention. An especially good nurse with a strong personality was assigned to him during recovery in the ICU. She also happened to be a vegetarian and very favorable to alternative health and healing. She was precisely the nurse for him. She related to him rather than being contrary or condescending. This smoothness in reliability helped to foster his healing. Another was former Army Nurse who also related to him and also helped, emotionally and psychologically. These particular personalities were what he needed - That is God. Again, not that God sent them but the very fact that they were assigned to my husband, that phenomenon of statistical fitting was God. We were scared, mad, frustrated. We had what we needed when we needed it.
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The doubt separates us from God. The fear shuts the light. The power, the love, the strength is always there... always there... but we forget. We forget because we are human and it's all part of the experience and ultimately, it's okay - but God is always there nevertheless.
We hear talk about "evil creeping in" or "letting the devil win", and that's how it happens. It's not some Disney villain that shows up, laughing like "muhahah". It is our doubt, our fears, our forgetting that God isn't giving us power, God IS our power. And we ask "God give me strength" instead of claiming that God IS our strength. You see, it's already been given and it's never taken back, it is always there, part of the very essence and core of our being. Isn't that wonderful?
Why do we forget? We forget because we are human, but you know, that's okay. We are reminded of human frailty too, remember? And that's okay. We have to forgive ourselves, you know? We can't move forward and progress unless we can get past ourselves and get over ourselves and allow ourselves to feel God. And that is the most exquisite irony too - that what makes us human is also what allows us to connect even more closely to our divinity. Our humanity IS our divinity. Just as the example in Christ wherein the human experience made Jesus the son of God so it is that our humanity is what makes us divine and our divinity is what makes us human. It's all one in the same and God is always here; always was and always will be.
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I realize that all of the above explained instances were fingers of God; but the extent of God is not limited to those intangible experiences. The reach of God was found in more physical, tangible ways and in the most extraordinary.
And that was really the most extraordinary of all. Let me explain:
Finding:
During the time after my husband's surgery, because he runs his own business, it was shut down. Our source of income came to a halt. We had been suffering financially already and this turned us upside down completely. It was a devastating blow to our economical situation. I did not know how to get by, I knew I needed to focus on my husband's survival first but the anxiety of how to keep my family from financial ruin was growing.
Then it happened. God happened. Friends and family appeared with offerings to help and most often out of nowhere and with unsolicited kindness. My pride temporarily delayed me, but I got over it, and accepted the offering with great gratitude. You see my pride could have stopped me, but I got over myself (and that is why it's called a deadly sin because it separates us from the display of God).
My mother stayed with my children.
Friends were there for me whenever I needed them, even from great distances.
Neighbors brought prepared food to my house.
Friends brought groceries, money and grocery store gift cards.
Other friends drove my children to where they needed to be.
Friends offered to help with household and organizational duties.
In order for me to focus on my husband, all of our other needs were tended to. All of them. It was both overwhelming and amazing. At first I denied the help, declined the offers, but when I released that pride, that ego, that which is called "sin"... amazing things happened. Good replaced evil like light replaces darkness. That was not by God, it was God. That is the very essence of what God is - Not through God, with God or by God but just God. God requires no explanation, no verb, no preposition... just the very extraordinarily simple perfection of being. God IS.
Everyone that came to help came without question,without requiring explanation and without expectation of reciprocation. Everything getting handled smoothly when I let go, when I got over my pride, when I needed it most. God was the community of family and friends for which I am deeply grateful. God is their love and God is my gratitude.
Later, after we were home for several weeks things begin crumble again. Christmas comes and I was determined to make it a nice one for my children who had also endured the emotional coaster of the prior weeks. The financial disaster that befell us following the temporary shut down of the business, piled upon the new colossal medical expenses was proving to be crushing.
In particular, Christmas dinner was a mystery. My mother-in-law was visiting and just days prior we wondered what we could put together for dinner and how. That very day we received via mail an anonymous greeting card with grocery store gift cards and a gasoline points card. This brought me to tears, filled with gratitude and amazed by the generosity and thoughtfulness of whomever it might have been. An obvious answer to my prayer, it paid for Christmas dinner and a week of groceries. That was God. The timing, the generosity, the perfection of the experience was God.
And on time passed. Money still a worrisome and heavy shadow upon us. I became panicked about expenses. Because my primary role at this point in my life is that of Mother, I was focused on the needs and requirements for my children. I did not want to take away from their routine and their regular activities (besides the academics we do at home) because I knew that they needed some semblance of normalcy in the midst of this tempest. We could not however, afford to register for their winter/spring activities. Then, God happened.
We were offered a scholarship to theater classes.
Friend offers a gift of tuition to art classes.
A new baseball coach, until now a perfect stranger, offered to cover the registration cost.
We accepted some of these offers and declined only due to timing complications with an upcoming move and other transitions, but the point remains that the children were able to continue with their activities and maintain a healthy sense of normalcy at very little financial cost.
It is completely and utterly amazing and it is God.
We got through. And now we continue, somehow, to get through. Even when I falter, when I begin to feel fear, anxiety, or doubt.... even then, every day we wake up, make it through and get to sleep.
Every day friends offer help, prayer, assistance and friendship.
Every day God is manifest.
Every day. In everything and every one.
Every day Love is there. It is not by pride, not by faceless bureaucratic intervention, but God. The God that is my community, my friends, my family and the networked web of love and grace that binds us all.
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We love one another. I love my husband, my family loves me. My friends and I love each other. Love pours out and it is shown.
John 13:34-35
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
There was God among us, gathering, in love and for love.
Matthew 18:20
"For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”
God wasn't handing us anything, God was part of us, in us, around us - entirely.
The Kingdom of God is IN YOU
Luke 17:21We have the divinity of God within us, it is who we are - not physical bodies, but part of God's love. We Create. We create love, we create our lives, we create friendship and bounty.
"...nor will people say, ‘Here it is,’ or ‘There it is,’
because the kingdom of God is in your midst.”
Genesis 1:27
"So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them."
God's image is love. The body is frail, fragile, temporary. It's nice, it's a gift. It is a most wonderful gift. But that is not really God. No. God is perfect and eternal and infinite. So it is our spirit, our soul, our intangible essence of love and light that is perfect and eternal which is created in the image of God. Love, light - that is God, that is the image in which we are created. That is wonderful and should put to rest all of our fears and anxieties!
Jesus died as an example, not a punishment or a guilt trip, but to show us that the body is fragile, that fear is a trap and that our true selves are eternal - that was the rising part!
We are souls with a body, not a body with a soul.
What comes after this human life? You don't need the exact answer, you need only to trust that it will be God. Right now, THIS matters. Now matters! Your friends and family matter, your legacy matters. It matters for after this life and it matters NOW.
God is the generosity, the love, the warmth, the kindness, the trust and the love.
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What I learned was this: There is no such thing as finding God. God is here, and there and more. the people, the experience, the feeling - that is God.
We don't need to Find God. We need to simply allow God to find us.
I am that I am.
Exodus 3:14
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